Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
