I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
