oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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