this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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