i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
