I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
