Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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