She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
