He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
