Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
