I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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