I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
