Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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