Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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