I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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