Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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