margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
