I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
