Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
