I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
