I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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