He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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