who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
