I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
