Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
