final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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