I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
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Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize