just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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