Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
