I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
