were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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