I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
