tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
