Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
