I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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