I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
