did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
