apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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