this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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