roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I could fuck to npr.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
