cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm getting married
To pizza
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
