You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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