Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
