last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
