you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
COCAINE IS GR8
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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