She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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