i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
