then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
