: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
