I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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