Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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