I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
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I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
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I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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