I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
