i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
