I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
