I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
