You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
