Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Do you remember whose house we're in?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
