I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
