Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
