How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
