We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
