I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
