oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
